A message of hope

I wrote the following in my journal. It started off very depressive and negative but turned into a message of hope. As a result, I decided to include it on my blog in an unedited format. I pass it on in the hope that it may provide a little hope to someone else when they feel that life is getting to them...




29th November 2007
I've been feeling very down and negative of late. This next entry or, should I say, this current entry is intended to be a release session where I let all my negative and depressed feelings out and release them into this journal. This is a technique I've just read about in a magazine.

Ok, so what is wrong? I guess I'm feeling like I'm just a waste of space and cannot seem to do anything right or well enough. I fantasise that I am a writer or some sort of guru in the making or indeed even that I could reach enlightenment in the future.

In reality it's all make believe. Look at me! I'm earning precisely nothing. I have three failed businesses under my belt and I cannot even motivate myself to collect any of the money owed to me from my customers - even though I'm owed the equivalent of several months worth of living expenses.

I feel like a joke. Who am I kidding that I can achieve anything at all? I should just kill myself and get it all over with. I am so sad and lonely. I have no one to talk to at all. It is my fault really because I do not share my feelings very much. I feel there is no one I can turn to. Instead I turn to God. I would love to say that in God all my troubles are healed but they do not seem to be.

Tony Robbins says that we should not wish our troubles away because they are what makes us grow and become better people. He uses the analogy of a body builder. When asked how he got so big, the body builder replied that every day he pushes against massive resistance to build himself up and by doing that he gets a little stronger each time. The results are what you now see.

I know my troubles are the lessons I must face in life and that if I was not fully equipped to deal with them or strong enough to handle them emotionally, I would not be given them. Yet, through all this I just get so weary and tired and feel like I've gone ten rounds, not just with Mike Tyson, but also with my best friend who has decided to use all my weakest points to destroy me emotionally and psychologically. Worst of all, I do not know whether there will be a bell to signify the end of the round or whether this round will continue for the rest of my life. All I know for sure is that, just as the punches and kicks continue, so too do the humiliating taunts. They say that "sticks and stones may break my bones, but calling names will never hurt me". If only that were true.

I wish I had a passage from the bible to call on at times like this. Instead I think of Job. I think that all that befalls me is nothing compared to Job and his ails. I trust that through it all, God has a plan. God is with me and in God all shall be made right. In the words of the Elvis song "You'll never walk alone" I am comforted:

When you walk through a storm hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of a storm is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.
Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.
Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never, ever walk alone.

And so I am comforted somewhat. I feel the release that I so desperately needed. The tears flowed and washed me. All is not rosy, but I am given the courage to continue a little further. Winston Churchill once said:

"When you're going through hell, keep going".